Business Management for Dummies

To open a shop is easy, to keep it open is an art ~ Chinese Proverb


Ahhh… bookwork. It being year end I am yet again enjoying being a business owner and getting all my financials in order so I can drive the tax people insane with my bad accounting.

Just today I got an e-mail from my co-worker/landlord. She mentioned that I overpaid my rent for this month (hey if I insist on screwing up, at least I'm not screwing her over as well)

My reply e-mail went something like "ugh.. I have no idea why I would add a random extra 50some bucks to my rent… how about I just take it off my Feb rent?

P.S. Have I written any cheques for Feb?? I don't have any record of them, but that doesn't mean much.

God bless her she is more entertained than annoyed at my lack of organization.

She asked if on Friday I could take some time to help her revise her bookkeeping system to be as efficient as my own. And I gladly started writing her a few quick tips.

Then I realized, why keep such knowledge to myself?? I need to share with the world how to run a business that has accounts labeled "God Knows" and special folders for "Inventory Screw-ups"

Oh... it's a little complicated to get the hang of at first, but with practice you can get just as good at it as I am.

Try it tonight.... do some bookwork. Take your cheque book out of one bag, place it on a table somewhere as you walk by, don't touch it again until next Tuesday.

 Now take your calculator, and do up a deposit. Please be sure to write the final total on a used envelope.

Try and slip in some dyslexia. and write 185.29 instead of 158.92... I find this really makes it interesting.

 Now answer the phone, and move everything on your desk six inches to the left, then back 8 inches to the right. Tell off the long distance provider for wasting your time, and then hang up.

If you are unfortunate enough to have a regular phone, you will have to settle for just barely missing the receiver cradle and knocking everything off the desk.

If you are working with a cordless or better yet a cell phone, place it somewhere indiscreet (say under a pile of recyclables) and leave it there for the battery to die.

Shuffle a few more books around to "straighten up".

(There, you should now have lost your old envelope with you deposit in it. Find it next week before your rent cheque bounces, but think that it's just "extra money lying around" and buy yourself a new pair of shoes.)

Now lets move on to inventory. Count all of your products, make up a new system for keeping track of it.

Write this system on a piece of scrap paper, place it somewhere important, say with a pile of old Sobeys receipts or something.

Now pick out a few small items out of your inventory and just place them randomly about the shop.

(I swear I don't actually do this. But since this is a new process for you, I can't promise the Organization Elves will find you right away)

The Organization Elves, I imagine, are much like the Shoemakers Elves with a tad bit of the Easter Bunny in them. When I fall asleep they don't come in to finish my cleaning or anything, they just move product around so I have to hunt for it when I client wants something.

When you've perfected the system with years of business training as I have, I'm sure they will be along to reward you accordingly. But until then you will have to settle for dropping things behind filing cabinets and under chairs yourself.

I know it's a lot to take in.. so just take it slow.

I'll help you as you go along. Don' t try to do anything else for the rest of the night, you might strain yourself.

If you find you can't help but pick up the cheque book you've left on a random table, go ahead, but please place it in a magazine rack in the bathroom or something....

I'm writing myself a sticky note to remember to check how you're doing with the new system on Friday.

It is written in short hand to save time and energy... not to mention ink (it's always good to try and cut down on costs). The note reads " A-bookstuff ~pumpernickel~, pickles and jam"

 (The pumpernickel part was just because I think the word is pretty, and I decided that as long as I am writing a note I might as well add my grocery list to it....)

That sticky note will be just sticky enough to stay on my appointment book for about 45 seconds.

Long enough for me to think it is there for good, then turn away.

The slight change in air movement as I turn will hopefully cause the note to flutter to the ground, where it will get stuck to the bottom of my shoe, and travel with me somewhere random.

I should find it sometime around the end of April, which is perfect because that's just about the time we will need to sit down together to figure out how to start screwing up our taxes!!

Santa whould have fired me long ago....

Those who fail to plan, should plan to fail.



So I officially logged off this Christmas vacation… it was fairly nice, it being my last day of vacation before returning home and being thrown back into real life, I'm still not really in any mood to post…. I did start a post last week, so I think I will share this one with you.


It is 10:28 am on Dec 23rd.

I have officially lost the Christmas card battle this year....which is too bad, because I thought I was fairly well prepared.

Starting way back around Dec 7th a client (who had brought her cards with her to sign during her pedicure) informed me that the proper date to have all your cards in the mail with Dec 13th....

She has clients she deals with all across Canada and was diligently preparing hers, as I watched her sign some 50 cards I thought to myself "jeeezzz.. you lazy grinch, it's not that hard, go get some cards"

So I did. Cards purchased, Dec 7th. List started on who to send them to, stars by people who I needed to get addresses from, "A"s beside the people who would rather a religious card that a generic "happy holidays". I was organized.

A week goes by, and in between clients I continue to add to the list, stuff envelopes and generally get them done. yea!!!

I'm so far ahead of the game I should get a special elf pin or something!!

Then, it all fell apart.

Our house was finished ( yea!), which meant moving (boo) which means total chaos…. Christmas cards start piling in from other more organized people in my life, and I start planning on how I will send mine out.

Finally, my sister stops by to drop hers off… I throw mine in with hers to make my life a little more sane, she is willing to hand mine out as well.

As I match up my cards with hers, I start realizing I have forgotten half of our family…. it is a huge family, I can't help it.

Once you go through two packs of cards you should be done anyway, there has to be some sort of limit.

So I accept defeat and just tell her to hand out the ones I do have, no one will ever know the difference ( until I post the whole story on the internet that is).

Then I have three simple cards left to mail. And no clue where any stamps are in either houses ( the moving process has been less organized than the card process… someday I'll post about it.. but since I'm still stuck in the middle of it, it's not funny yet… it's just frustrating)

No stamps….

That's okay we go to town on Mon the 20th… and head to the post office….

I've forgotten the cards… but I buy the stamps anyway.

Get home, stick them on the cards and put them where I won't miss them tomorrow morning.

Tues comes and goes without the cards getting in my car.

Wed morning, I remember them, and I haul them out to lick them closed before I hit the mailbox.

Cheap-assed dollar discount envelopes don't close.

I slobber like a bernese mountain dog with rabies all over them… still no luck.

I get to work and tape the bastards shut. The post office is a hop skip and a wink away from where I work, and I have an actual lunch break when I can do it!!!

It's the 22nd, I will make it!!

Thurs the 23rd, I find the stupid things in my laundry basket. And I officially surrender.

Friday the 24th, I find a stack of envelopes in my Christmas decorations.

They are unsent Christmas cards from last year.

And funny enough they are the side of the family that I remembered this year (which means I'm averaging hitting everyone at least every two years… that's not bad… that's actually 50% and I consider that a pass!!!)

Finally on the 26th, on our way to the city, I slip the last remaining cards in the mail… because dammit, I already stuck the stupid stamps on there, I'm more cheap than I am embarrassed about the fact that I'm sending cards after the holiday is over.

As we wandered the shops this year during boxing week sales I couldn't help but notice all of the cards 50% off… and I thought… hey, If I only ever get 50% out, then maybe I should only pay 50% for them…

Plus if I buy them now, and fill them out by Easter, maybe next year I'll actually have them delivered by Dec 25th.

Now I get what hapened to those two front teeth....

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Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included. ~Author Unknown

It's that time of year again...time to stand in line for hours, scramble like mad on internet sites, and spend half of your life savings to buy that "must-have", "greatest gift of all", "what everybody wants" "it" toy of the season.

Soon to be followed with "recall season" where you find out that this years version of Tickle me Elmo is coated in lead paint, oozing cyanide out of it's ears, and has small radioactive pieces that resemble chewing gum when they inevitable fall off.

So in celebration of shoppers everywhere... I'd like to share with you a warning that came with a Krazy Carpet I once received as a Christmas gift.

Warning

Slide only in safe areas.

(Maybe in general they should just stick a warning on us at birth..we pop out and up pops a sign..."warning life can be dangerous, please don't do anything unsafe"...

This would I’m sure abolish all need for warnings on products in general).

Do not use in standing position.

(Mainly I’m sure because you’ll look like a fool halfway down the hill when you are still in a standing position, but upside down with your head buried three feet in the snow.

Even worse if you’re wearing a skirt..which you will notice is one warning they’ve left off the package)

On or near streets, roadways, driveways

(Don’t go anywhere were you may get into it with something bigger than you, a good general rule for life),

sidewalks, near trees or obstacles on steep slopes or in icy conditions.....

(so generally the only safe place to slide is on the stairs into the basement.

Until your mother finds out, then you must enjoy your sled from the floor of your bedroom, where you will be until the grounding is over)

Do not tow with any vehicle. This is not a tow-able device

(Of course not!! it’s certainly not sturdy enough to withstand the tow rope..but don’t worry once we get the duct tape and reinforce the handles.....)

Product will develop high speed under certain snow conditions

(like the conditions that allow you to tow sleds behind four-wheelers)

Product has no brakes or steering mechanism

(No sh#t Sherlock, it’s a long piece of plastic)

and excessive speed can cause loss of control and injury.

(Again another good general life rule..injury mostly to your bank account through the court and insurance systems, or your spinal fluid, depending on the type of speed)

The wearing of a safety helmet and protective goggles is strongly recommended.

(if you enjoy being the joke of the neighbourhood and want the crap beat out of you)

Always face forward.

(If you try to turn your face to your back you will only get a cramp, and realize you don’t like the look of your butt in those jeans)

Keep hands feet and head within the outer edges of the carpet while sliding.

(I’m glad they added that head part..because generally if something isn’t safe for me to put my hands or feet on, the first thing I wanna do is stick my neck out and put my face in danger..literally)

There was more, and I'm sorry that I never copied the entire warning.

(It took up half of the 3 foot carpet, and it was fine print.)

And although I originally wrote this years ago, it still puts me in good mood every time I read it, so that is why I share it with you here today.

Actually it kind of puts me in the mood to go find my dog, tie him to something plastic and make him tow me around the yard.

(Don't worry, I will, as always keep my head away from anything I wouldn't want to get my feet and hands near.)

Thinking about thoughts on a boat.

Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? ~Winnie the Pooh

Remember how I said I wouldn't have a post about lobstering? Well I lied.

This is not a real blog entry anyway... this is simply a compilation of things that went through my head in the past week while banding lobsters....

You'd be surprised at how much can go through your head during a 15 hour work day.

You'd also be surprised at how much of that is absolutely meaningless.

The top twenty things I think most often, in no particular order.

1. ugghhh....I have to pee

2. I don 't think I can feel my fingers.... oh wait, there's a crusher claw, yes yes I can feel them....

3. "Fish heads, fish heads, rolly polly fish heads"

4. What time is it?

5. Is it daylight?

6. Dammit where's the horizon?

(For anyone who has never experienced seasickness, I'm not just hoping to find the spot where the sea and sky meet because it looks pretty... I'm trying to keep my lunch down)

77. How many more hours till I can pee?

(My toilet on the boat is a bucket.

That fact alone is enough to make me not want to use it.

Add to that the amount of work it takes to take off your gloves, scarf, hat, oil gear, ask your father for the bucket, not fall over while on the bucket, put everything back on, including snapping the stupid oil gear closed which my hands are normally to numb to do, then hand your bucket of pee back to your father like it's a perfectly normal thing to do so he can throw it over and walk back out on deck and pretend that no one knows why you were down forward for so long.

Plus all the unbanded lobsters that have collected while you were taking this stupid break. Needless to say, I try not to ever use the bathroom on the boat.

But since we are there from 4:30am to around 7:30 pm it is not something I can entirely avoid, I can only put it off as long as possible)

8. I wish the sun would come up so it would be warm.

9. Stupid sun is in my eyes.

10. Only 8 hours left!!! yea!!!!

(This one always makes me laugh, it is the most ridiculous thing to think in the world, but also completely genuine.

8 hours is an entire shift in most worlds, but in the double-license banders world, it is the last portion of your day, and something to celebrate)

11. "Fish heads, Fish heads, eat them up yum."

12. Why the hell don't I know any more words to the stupid fish heads song??

13. 4 more hours till I can pee.

14. Cheesies are the best invention ever.

15. Ha! got you you bastard.

(Much like slapping a mosquito before it bites you, it feels very triumphant to band a lobster that's being ornery and fighting for it's freedom. I know I'm 20 times bigger than they are, but it still feels good to outsmart them).

16. I'm going to count the strings to make this go faster.... one.... two...... three.... two?? or three?? five, it must be five by now... wtf??

17. I'm going to count the lobsters to see how many I band in a string.... one, two, threefourfivesix....sev-nope to small, seve-nope, seven, eight-nine-ten, nope V-notch,was I on nine? ten? thirteen? no twelve, no wait- what?? dammit.....

(I'm not really good at concentrating on counting. Generally because if you focus too much on counting you are bound to screw up and get your fingers caught in a claw.)

18. ow that hand hurts, I should switch to the left.

19 damit, my left hand hurts, I should switch to the right.

20. huh? isn't that funny, two hours ago I had to pee, and now I don't.

There is more that I think about.

~Life plans.

~How to achieve world peace.

~Lyrics to Jem and the Holograms.

~Other jobs I could do and if they would make me as much money as this one.

~How happy I was to have new boots.

~If it would be worth it to figure out how to use Kijiji and sell my new boots, so next year I can have the pleasure of buying new ones again.

~What really happened "The night the lights went out in Georgia".

~How the hell I managed to have a bag of croutons for lunch that had an expiration date of June 2009.

~If I really cared that the crusty bread bits I packed because I don' t like sandwiches were out of date, since they still tasted of garlicky goodness.

But in general, year after year, those twenty listed are thought over and over.

And with the exception of #14, probably won't be thought again until next year.