Santa whould have fired me long ago....

Those who fail to plan, should plan to fail.



So I officially logged off this Christmas vacation… it was fairly nice, it being my last day of vacation before returning home and being thrown back into real life, I'm still not really in any mood to post…. I did start a post last week, so I think I will share this one with you.


It is 10:28 am on Dec 23rd.

I have officially lost the Christmas card battle this year....which is too bad, because I thought I was fairly well prepared.

Starting way back around Dec 7th a client (who had brought her cards with her to sign during her pedicure) informed me that the proper date to have all your cards in the mail with Dec 13th....

She has clients she deals with all across Canada and was diligently preparing hers, as I watched her sign some 50 cards I thought to myself "jeeezzz.. you lazy grinch, it's not that hard, go get some cards"

So I did. Cards purchased, Dec 7th. List started on who to send them to, stars by people who I needed to get addresses from, "A"s beside the people who would rather a religious card that a generic "happy holidays". I was organized.

A week goes by, and in between clients I continue to add to the list, stuff envelopes and generally get them done. yea!!!

I'm so far ahead of the game I should get a special elf pin or something!!

Then, it all fell apart.

Our house was finished ( yea!), which meant moving (boo) which means total chaos…. Christmas cards start piling in from other more organized people in my life, and I start planning on how I will send mine out.

Finally, my sister stops by to drop hers off… I throw mine in with hers to make my life a little more sane, she is willing to hand mine out as well.

As I match up my cards with hers, I start realizing I have forgotten half of our family…. it is a huge family, I can't help it.

Once you go through two packs of cards you should be done anyway, there has to be some sort of limit.

So I accept defeat and just tell her to hand out the ones I do have, no one will ever know the difference ( until I post the whole story on the internet that is).

Then I have three simple cards left to mail. And no clue where any stamps are in either houses ( the moving process has been less organized than the card process… someday I'll post about it.. but since I'm still stuck in the middle of it, it's not funny yet… it's just frustrating)

No stamps….

That's okay we go to town on Mon the 20th… and head to the post office….

I've forgotten the cards… but I buy the stamps anyway.

Get home, stick them on the cards and put them where I won't miss them tomorrow morning.

Tues comes and goes without the cards getting in my car.

Wed morning, I remember them, and I haul them out to lick them closed before I hit the mailbox.

Cheap-assed dollar discount envelopes don't close.

I slobber like a bernese mountain dog with rabies all over them… still no luck.

I get to work and tape the bastards shut. The post office is a hop skip and a wink away from where I work, and I have an actual lunch break when I can do it!!!

It's the 22nd, I will make it!!

Thurs the 23rd, I find the stupid things in my laundry basket. And I officially surrender.

Friday the 24th, I find a stack of envelopes in my Christmas decorations.

They are unsent Christmas cards from last year.

And funny enough they are the side of the family that I remembered this year (which means I'm averaging hitting everyone at least every two years… that's not bad… that's actually 50% and I consider that a pass!!!)

Finally on the 26th, on our way to the city, I slip the last remaining cards in the mail… because dammit, I already stuck the stupid stamps on there, I'm more cheap than I am embarrassed about the fact that I'm sending cards after the holiday is over.

As we wandered the shops this year during boxing week sales I couldn't help but notice all of the cards 50% off… and I thought… hey, If I only ever get 50% out, then maybe I should only pay 50% for them…

Plus if I buy them now, and fill them out by Easter, maybe next year I'll actually have them delivered by Dec 25th.

Now I get what hapened to those two front teeth....

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Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included. ~Author Unknown

It's that time of year again...time to stand in line for hours, scramble like mad on internet sites, and spend half of your life savings to buy that "must-have", "greatest gift of all", "what everybody wants" "it" toy of the season.

Soon to be followed with "recall season" where you find out that this years version of Tickle me Elmo is coated in lead paint, oozing cyanide out of it's ears, and has small radioactive pieces that resemble chewing gum when they inevitable fall off.

So in celebration of shoppers everywhere... I'd like to share with you a warning that came with a Krazy Carpet I once received as a Christmas gift.

Warning

Slide only in safe areas.

(Maybe in general they should just stick a warning on us at birth..we pop out and up pops a sign..."warning life can be dangerous, please don't do anything unsafe"...

This would I’m sure abolish all need for warnings on products in general).

Do not use in standing position.

(Mainly I’m sure because you’ll look like a fool halfway down the hill when you are still in a standing position, but upside down with your head buried three feet in the snow.

Even worse if you’re wearing a skirt..which you will notice is one warning they’ve left off the package)

On or near streets, roadways, driveways

(Don’t go anywhere were you may get into it with something bigger than you, a good general rule for life),

sidewalks, near trees or obstacles on steep slopes or in icy conditions.....

(so generally the only safe place to slide is on the stairs into the basement.

Until your mother finds out, then you must enjoy your sled from the floor of your bedroom, where you will be until the grounding is over)

Do not tow with any vehicle. This is not a tow-able device

(Of course not!! it’s certainly not sturdy enough to withstand the tow rope..but don’t worry once we get the duct tape and reinforce the handles.....)

Product will develop high speed under certain snow conditions

(like the conditions that allow you to tow sleds behind four-wheelers)

Product has no brakes or steering mechanism

(No sh#t Sherlock, it’s a long piece of plastic)

and excessive speed can cause loss of control and injury.

(Again another good general life rule..injury mostly to your bank account through the court and insurance systems, or your spinal fluid, depending on the type of speed)

The wearing of a safety helmet and protective goggles is strongly recommended.

(if you enjoy being the joke of the neighbourhood and want the crap beat out of you)

Always face forward.

(If you try to turn your face to your back you will only get a cramp, and realize you don’t like the look of your butt in those jeans)

Keep hands feet and head within the outer edges of the carpet while sliding.

(I’m glad they added that head part..because generally if something isn’t safe for me to put my hands or feet on, the first thing I wanna do is stick my neck out and put my face in danger..literally)

There was more, and I'm sorry that I never copied the entire warning.

(It took up half of the 3 foot carpet, and it was fine print.)

And although I originally wrote this years ago, it still puts me in good mood every time I read it, so that is why I share it with you here today.

Actually it kind of puts me in the mood to go find my dog, tie him to something plastic and make him tow me around the yard.

(Don't worry, I will, as always keep my head away from anything I wouldn't want to get my feet and hands near.)

I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

~Hold on, man. We don't go anywhere with "scary," "spooky," "haunted," or "forbidden" in the title. ~From Scooby-Doo~

I do not enjoy scary movies

I spent the first three minutes of the previews of "the Strangers" wringing my hands and muttering things like "Maybe I'll just go hang out with the ticket taker for an hour and a half.. he seemed bored.."

I actually should get a percentage of my money back from "The Hills Have Eyes" since I only really watched the top right hand corner of the screen.

(It's hard to plug your ears and cover your eyes with your own hands at the same time. Plus you have to know when it's safe to watch again)

I'm also not a fan of surprises, I don't like the stress of planning surprise parties.

I don' t like my day to be thrown off from what I planned to do.

I'm not afraid of any bug or animal if I know I'll being presented with it.

Make me wear a boa constrictor as a pashmina? Sure!!

But show me a harmless green snake hidden under a rock and I'll scream for the heavens.

That all being stated, one thing I enjoy every year is creating a haunted house for the trick or treaters :)

(Yes it was pointed out to me how cruel it is that I plot to traumatize people under the age of eight, yet whine if a slasher movie comes on TV.)

But Halloween isn't about me. It's about the kids.

This year, I enlisted some help.

I asked for a pulley device to raise and lower a spider to scare the kids as they got their candy.

Be careful what you wish for.

What I got was described as this...

"Picture a spider as tall as a kitchen table with eight 8 foot long legs. I feel bad because if it works like it's supposed to, if everything goes RIGHT, children will be scarred for life"

We spent a solid 24 hours preparing the house and setting the stage. (well except for that silly 10 hours that I slept... it was Sunday people, of course I slept in.)

At any rate, by 3:30 p.m. the house was enveloped in fake cotton/polyester webbing, scattered with plastic skulls and few real ones and I was ready....

Donning my best "Orkin Man" costume, with my story of infestation all worked out we answered the door to every cute little dressed up kid in the neighbour hood.


The script went a little like this...

Answer the door, explain that the owners of the house had left because of a spider infestation.

Invite them in to pick up the candy scattered through out the house.

Get them past the spider, and finally ask them to pose for a photo, at which point I would video them as we dropped the spider behind them.

Then watch them scream and run for their lives

Yes that was the plan...




This is what really happened.

Answer the door, explain there has been some spiders.

Offer them candy and anti-snake venom medicine.

Remember our theme is spiders.

Tell them about the chewable Benadryl (aka gum-balls) in case of a bite.

Get nervous that people will think I'm actually handing out medication to 4 year olds, so I break character and actually say the "aka gum-balls" part.

Lure them into the kitchen and ask them to pose for the "photo".

Watch through the unfocused screen as the black shadows do not move.

Seriously... if you want kids to behave these days, get them to pose for a photo,

They DO NOT MOVE until the flash has gone off.

Even if a giant 6 foot spider is screaming it's mandibles off as it descends upon them.

They just stand there and smile until the flash happens.

So we add more smoke, and more flashy lights.

I try to convince Mr. Anti-Holiday to hide under the table and grab at the kids feet as they reach for their candy (No dice).


And we perfected the sales pitch.

"Smile for the photo"

Cue spider.

Cue me screaming bloody murder and demanding Adam get it under control. We figure if the kids saw me panic about something, they too would panic.

Unfortunately this also makes me wave the camera around wildly, which in turns creates a useless video.

But it did encourage some kids to jump a little farther and higher.

And then when I realized the kids were actually afraid I would break character again and tell them "Don't worry, it's not real."

(I wouldn't have believed that I did this if there wasn't blurry badly lit video evidence of it. But it does makes sense, I hate being scared, why would I like to scare them?)

All in all I believe they enjoyed it. And we managed to retouch the video to go from black and blurry shadows to slightly less black yet still kinda blurry.

The plans for next year are already being discussed.

No part of those plans involve me being in charge of the camera.