Heartfelt beauty tips, from the bottom of my brain.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield


Believe it or not, I actually do other things in life beside chase my dog around the neighborhood.

I own a business, and I actually spend some time trying to improve on that business.

So when I found out about this amazing system called "Zeno Hot Spot" I decided I had to try it to see what all the fuss is about.

Now I would like to take this opportunity to mention that this is not an official review of a product. This is simply my experience with it, and all comments should be taken with a grain of salt.

(Should you fell like adding a little lime and tequila to that grain of salt while reading, go right ahead, my wit increases with alcohol consumption)

I first read about Zeno about a year ago, some magazine recommended it somewhere as the newest greatest beauty tool.

It is supposed to clear unpleasant blemishes within 24hrs of them first developing.

What woman doesn't want that? To clear up a problem zit with the push of a button. Seems too good to be true!! So of course, I wanted one.

If it actually could do what it claimed, think how much more my clients would love me if they came in with that annoying pimple and I could get rid of it with a quick treatment.

So like all things that seem like a good idea but aren't life-threateningly necessary, I put it on my "To Buy" list.

This list includes things like, Air conditioner, Jessica Simpson Hair-Do clip in bangs, new sneakers, Air brush machine...

The list gets a little lengthy, as I barely ever break down and actually spend money on things unless it's is pried from my hands with a crowbar.

But I had a spurt this spring and bought the Zeno. (In hind sight, perhaps I should have went with the air-conditioner.)

My first obstacle was just getting my hands on one. It's not available in Canada, and can't be shipped from Amazon.com, so I had to find it on some unknown site and pray not to be hacked.

I wasn't (hacked-as far as I know) but I was charged an insane amount for shipping, and then some customs fees (Dammit)

So my little $39 machine wound up costing me somewhere around $80.

And took about 3 weeks to get here.

By this time I've lost interest in trying new things.

So when the box arrives I say "Yea!! It's here!!" then I promptly put it in a drawer and forget about it.

A few weeks later I decide it's time to haul it out. PMS days are coming and so are the inevitable blotchy breakouts that come with them.

It's a tiny little device with no buttons or switches, just a few LED lights, a metal circle, and a book of instructions.

The book reads a little something like this...

"Zeno is not intended for use on, ingrown hairs, hormonal breakouts, blackheads, whiteheads, red pimples, bumpy pimples, pimples that are forming, or that have already formed and are starting to go away.

"Zeno is not really guaranteed to do anything, but we think it clears up pimples faster than if you don't use it.

"We can claim this fact, only because there is no conceivable way to ever prove, or disprove it."

Now that's a good disclaimer if I've ever read one. (Okay, I'll admit, I am paraphrasing a little, but that was the general idea of it.)

Oh yea, and it's got a little computer chip that turns it off after eighty uses, for "your own safety". (Um, just in case multiple zappings by the same machine casues cancer or something?)

In other words, please choose carefully which pimples you would like to clear up faster than others, because after eighty zaps, this little piece of crap becomes a useless piece of crap.

I threw all caution into the wind though, and just started zapping every pimple I could find...

Here are my results...

It gets hot.

Not so hot that it leaves a burn mark, but hot enough to make you think it will.

It also takes a full 2 1/2 minutes to work. For someone with my ADD, that is a very long time.

They even try to break it up by making it beep every 30 seconds, but after the first two beeps this just leaves you wondering if you've lost count.

And then it leaves a nice red circle on your skin.

So now not only do you have a pimple that people can spot from 20 paces, but you have a big red mark around it to make it visible from 40 paces!

Nice of them to publish a novel of "to-do's" (i.e. hold it on your skin for the full 2 1/2 minutes) and "not-to-do's" ( i.e. don't hold it on your eyeball), yet forget to mention a big "not-to-do" as in, don't do this 24 hrs before you go out in public!

But thankfully a few hours later this red spot goes away. And you are left with just the pimple.

Maybe it's some sort of reverse psychology effect, that once you get rid of the big red spot around the pimple you realize the pimple really isn't' that bad in the first place?

Kind of the equivalent to someone complaining that they have a splinter in the finger, so you kick them in the shin, to remind them there are things that hurt more?

I must say, if that is the case, it is quite effective, because since my first time using it I have not found a pimple that has bothered me enough to try it again.

Although I should also mention that I think holding a hot poker against your skin for two minutes would have the same effect.

In fact, I actually recommend you go buy a curling iron at Crappy T's next time they come on sale.

They usually run you about 20 bucks and when you're done clearing your skin you can give yourself a stylish new 'do to detract the attention from the burn welts on your face as they heal.

The Doctor is In(correct)

It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class. ~Author Unknown

There are a lot of things and people in the this world that drive me nuts, but at the top of that list lately seems to be dear sweet Dr Oz.

Every woman who watches his show takes what he says as gospel.

It's the same phenomenon as the Oprah effect, only worse.

Because Oprah is just telling us what movies to watch, or books to read, or that we should turn our cell phones off and starting praying more and eating less.

Dr Oz is giving medical advice in 10 min increments.

He is curing heart disease in between commercial breaks.

I'm not the only one out there that doesn't like him either.

Go ahead and Google "Dr.Oz controversy" and see how many people are complaining that his claims are all sensation and no science.

He actually doesn't even have the worst information out there.

The show "The Doctors" has more misleading things than Dr Oz. But they are so busy talking over one another that no one can understand what they're saying anyway.

These other medical doctors out there concerned he's giving misinformation, or partial information.

In case you didn't know, I'm not a doctor.

I'm not actually concerned, I'm just annoyed.

Then why does he bother me so much?

I think it is because most of my clients all seem to watch him. They will take his advice over and above anything else they have ever heard.

He might as well be Elvis.

Or the Pope.

What ever he says, they repeat, as if it is brand new ground breaking information.

I overheard a conversation today about the great Doctor.

He says if every mother and child would start taking Vitamin C, in mid September, then they would not get a cold or flu all season.

Look at that!!!! He's cured the common cold!!

With a little over the counter pill!! Who knew??

Don't you think if all it took to stave off colds was a daily Vitamin C tablet they would be handing them out left and right at the schools??

Just like the measles, rubella and diptheria vaccinations they make us get??

(Let's not get into the fact that I just found out that HPV is vaccinated in schools now in Nova Scotia. No choice,lets just experiment with our teenage daughters please.

Not that I have a problem with 13 yr olds getting vaccinated for sexually transmitted diseases, I only have a problem when that vaccination is accompanied by the "abstinence" theory of teaching about other ways to prevent STD's

oh wait.. I seem to be getting into it.... I digress)

He also tells us things like "Broccoli will help us stay young." Good for your thyroid, and helps prevent cancer....

Yes... and opening your eyes helps prevent walking into walls.

Or using a fork to eat prevents one from nibbling our own hands off accidentally.

And it's not just the vegetables that he's promoting.

He also advises everyone to carry an Epipen in the summer, even if you're not allergic to anything.

Just in case..... you know you're walking by someone and it looks like their lips are swelling up.

Maybe THEY just got stung by a bee, and maybe they ARE allergic. Then you can stab'em with a little medical injection and save the day.

Unless of course they've just gotten their own injection of the Restylane kind and then instead of a hero's welcome all you get is a lawsuit for attacking someone.

There's also Equine Assistant Therapy.... for depression and anxiety.

I'm not certain but I'm pretty sure a bottle of Ativan takes up less room in your medicine cabinet than a Shetland pony.

He has let a woman put kitty litter on his face as a detoxifying mask.

Yet he has also declared the bathroom as the most "toxic" room in the house. (I'm pretty sure you don't need to be a doctor to figure that one out.)

I'm also going to glaze over the rant about the fact that he poses questions on his "What's your True Age" site only to hand all the personal medical information over to pharmaceuticals companies for advertising.


Or that his "Ask Dr Oz" section of his website is answered by other medical professionals, a homeopathic doctor, and a spokesperson for Dove???

Right.. that company that's helping us all have better self esteem. (by buying their products)

I guess my point is, there is something we need to remember about the man who wears surgeons scrubs all the time to put oomph behind his words.

He's a cardiologist.

Not an immunologist, or a dermatologist, or rheumatologist or an anything else-ogist.

Would you let your dentist give you advice on your foot care?

Would you like you chiropractor style your hair?

Would you let your mechanic rewire your home??

Then wtf are we doing listening to the a heart surgeon tell us how to reverse the signs of aging, reduce out risk or breast cancer and increase our sex drive??!!

(His answer is garlic for all three I believe)