Thursday, September 1, 2011

Heartfelt beauty tips, from the bottom of my brain.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield

Believe it or not, I actually do other things in life beside chase my dog around the neighborhood.

I own a business, and I actually spend some time trying to improve on that business.

So when I found out about this amazing system called "Zeno Hot Spot" I decided I had to try it to see what all the fuss is about.

Now I would like to take this opportunity to mention that this is not an official review of a product. This is simply my experience with it, and all comments should be taken with a grain of salt.

(Should you fell like adding a little lime and tequila to that grain of salt while reading, go right ahead, my wit increases with alcohol consumption)

I first read about Zeno about a year ago, some magazine recommended it somewhere as the newest greatest beauty tool.

It is supposed to clear unpleasant blemishes within 24hrs of them first developing.

What woman doesn't want that? To clear up a problem zit with the push of a button. Seems too good to be true!! So of course, I wanted one.

If it actually could do what it claimed, think how much more my clients would love me if they came in with that annoying pimple and I could get rid of it with a quick treatment.

So like all things that seem like a good idea but aren't life-threateningly necessary, I put it on my "To Buy" list.

This list includes things like, Air conditioner, Jessica Simpson Hair-Do clip in bangs, new sneakers, Air brush machine...

The list gets a little lengthy, as I barely ever break down and actually spend money on things unless it's is pried from my hands with a crowbar.

But I had a spurt this spring and bought the Zeno. (In hind sight, perhaps I should have went with the air-conditioner.)

My first obstacle was just getting my hands on one. It's not available in Canada, and can't be shipped from, so I had to find it on some unknown site and pray not to be hacked.

I wasn't (hacked-as far as I know) but I was charged an insane amount for shipping, and then some customs fees (Dammit)

So my little $39 machine wound up costing me somewhere around $80.

And took about 3 weeks to get here.

By this time I've lost interest in trying new things.

So when the box arrives I say "Yea!! It's here!!" then I promptly put it in a drawer and forget about it.

A few weeks later I decide it's time to haul it out. PMS days are coming and so are the inevitable blotchy breakouts that come with them.

It's a tiny little device with no buttons or switches, just a few LED lights, a metal circle, and a book of instructions.

The book reads a little something like this...

"Zeno is not intended for use on, ingrown hairs, hormonal breakouts, blackheads, whiteheads, red pimples, bumpy pimples, pimples that are forming, or that have already formed and are starting to go away.

"Zeno is not really guaranteed to do anything, but we think it clears up pimples faster than if you don't use it.

"We can claim this fact, only because there is no conceivable way to ever prove, or disprove it."

Now that's a good disclaimer if I've ever read one. (Okay, I'll admit, I am paraphrasing a little, but that was the general idea of it.)

Oh yea, and it's got a little computer chip that turns it off after eighty uses, for "your own safety". (Um, just in case multiple zappings by the same machine casues cancer or something?)

In other words, please choose carefully which pimples you would like to clear up faster than others, because after eighty zaps, this little piece of crap becomes a useless piece of crap.

I threw all caution into the wind though, and just started zapping every pimple I could find...

Here are my results...

It gets hot.

Not so hot that it leaves a burn mark, but hot enough to make you think it will.

It also takes a full 2 1/2 minutes to work. For someone with my ADD, that is a very long time.

They even try to break it up by making it beep every 30 seconds, but after the first two beeps this just leaves you wondering if you've lost count.

And then it leaves a nice red circle on your skin.

So now not only do you have a pimple that people can spot from 20 paces, but you have a big red mark around it to make it visible from 40 paces!

Nice of them to publish a novel of "to-do's" (i.e. hold it on your skin for the full 2 1/2 minutes) and "not-to-do's" ( i.e. don't hold it on your eyeball), yet forget to mention a big "not-to-do" as in, don't do this 24 hrs before you go out in public!

But thankfully a few hours later this red spot goes away. And you are left with just the pimple.

Maybe it's some sort of reverse psychology effect, that once you get rid of the big red spot around the pimple you realize the pimple really isn't' that bad in the first place?

Kind of the equivalent to someone complaining that they have a splinter in the finger, so you kick them in the shin, to remind them there are things that hurt more?

I must say, if that is the case, it is quite effective, because since my first time using it I have not found a pimple that has bothered me enough to try it again.

Although I should also mention that I think holding a hot poker against your skin for two minutes would have the same effect.

In fact, I actually recommend you go buy a curling iron at Crappy T's next time they come on sale.

They usually run you about 20 bucks and when you're done clearing your skin you can give yourself a stylish new 'do to detract the attention from the burn welts on your face as they heal.

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