Business Management for Dummies

To open a shop is easy, to keep it open is an art ~ Chinese Proverb


Ahhh… bookwork. It being year end I am yet again enjoying being a business owner and getting all my financials in order so I can drive the tax people insane with my bad accounting.

Just today I got an e-mail from my co-worker/landlord. She mentioned that I overpaid my rent for this month (hey if I insist on screwing up, at least I'm not screwing her over as well)

My reply e-mail went something like "ugh.. I have no idea why I would add a random extra 50some bucks to my rent… how about I just take it off my Feb rent?

P.S. Have I written any cheques for Feb?? I don't have any record of them, but that doesn't mean much.

God bless her she is more entertained than annoyed at my lack of organization.

She asked if on Friday I could take some time to help her revise her bookkeeping system to be as efficient as my own. And I gladly started writing her a few quick tips.

Then I realized, why keep such knowledge to myself?? I need to share with the world how to run a business that has accounts labeled "God Knows" and special folders for "Inventory Screw-ups"

Oh... it's a little complicated to get the hang of at first, but with practice you can get just as good at it as I am.

Try it tonight.... do some bookwork. Take your cheque book out of one bag, place it on a table somewhere as you walk by, don't touch it again until next Tuesday.

 Now take your calculator, and do up a deposit. Please be sure to write the final total on a used envelope.

Try and slip in some dyslexia. and write 185.29 instead of 158.92... I find this really makes it interesting.

 Now answer the phone, and move everything on your desk six inches to the left, then back 8 inches to the right. Tell off the long distance provider for wasting your time, and then hang up.

If you are unfortunate enough to have a regular phone, you will have to settle for just barely missing the receiver cradle and knocking everything off the desk.

If you are working with a cordless or better yet a cell phone, place it somewhere indiscreet (say under a pile of recyclables) and leave it there for the battery to die.

Shuffle a few more books around to "straighten up".

(There, you should now have lost your old envelope with you deposit in it. Find it next week before your rent cheque bounces, but think that it's just "extra money lying around" and buy yourself a new pair of shoes.)

Now lets move on to inventory. Count all of your products, make up a new system for keeping track of it.

Write this system on a piece of scrap paper, place it somewhere important, say with a pile of old Sobeys receipts or something.

Now pick out a few small items out of your inventory and just place them randomly about the shop.

(I swear I don't actually do this. But since this is a new process for you, I can't promise the Organization Elves will find you right away)

The Organization Elves, I imagine, are much like the Shoemakers Elves with a tad bit of the Easter Bunny in them. When I fall asleep they don't come in to finish my cleaning or anything, they just move product around so I have to hunt for it when I client wants something.

When you've perfected the system with years of business training as I have, I'm sure they will be along to reward you accordingly. But until then you will have to settle for dropping things behind filing cabinets and under chairs yourself.

I know it's a lot to take in.. so just take it slow.

I'll help you as you go along. Don' t try to do anything else for the rest of the night, you might strain yourself.

If you find you can't help but pick up the cheque book you've left on a random table, go ahead, but please place it in a magazine rack in the bathroom or something....

I'm writing myself a sticky note to remember to check how you're doing with the new system on Friday.

It is written in short hand to save time and energy... not to mention ink (it's always good to try and cut down on costs). The note reads " A-bookstuff ~pumpernickel~, pickles and jam"

 (The pumpernickel part was just because I think the word is pretty, and I decided that as long as I am writing a note I might as well add my grocery list to it....)

That sticky note will be just sticky enough to stay on my appointment book for about 45 seconds.

Long enough for me to think it is there for good, then turn away.

The slight change in air movement as I turn will hopefully cause the note to flutter to the ground, where it will get stuck to the bottom of my shoe, and travel with me somewhere random.

I should find it sometime around the end of April, which is perfect because that's just about the time we will need to sit down together to figure out how to start screwing up our taxes!!