Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included. ~Author Unknown
It's that time of year again...time to stand in line for hours, scramble like mad on internet sites, and spend half of your life savings to buy that "must-have", "greatest gift of all", "what everybody wants" "it" toy of the season.
Soon to be followed with "recall season" where you find out that this years version of Tickle me Elmo is coated in lead paint, oozing cyanide out of it's ears, and has small radioactive pieces that resemble chewing gum when they inevitable fall off.
So in celebration of shoppers everywhere... I'd like to share with you a warning that came with a Krazy Carpet I once received as a Christmas gift.
Slide only in safe areas.
(Maybe in general they should just stick a warning on us at birth..we pop out and up pops a sign..."warning life can be dangerous, please don't do anything unsafe"...
This would I’m sure abolish all need for warnings on products in general).
Do not use in standing position.
(Mainly I’m sure because you’ll look like a fool halfway down the hill when you are still in a standing position, but upside down with your head buried three feet in the snow.
Even worse if you’re wearing a skirt..which you will notice is one warning they’ve left off the package)
On or near streets, roadways, driveways
(Don’t go anywhere were you may get into it with something bigger than you, a good general rule for life),
sidewalks, near trees or obstacles on steep slopes or in icy conditions.....
(so generally the only safe place to slide is on the stairs into the basement.
Until your mother finds out, then you must enjoy your sled from the floor of your bedroom, where you will be until the grounding is over)
Do not tow with any vehicle. This is not a tow-able device
(Of course not!! it’s certainly not sturdy enough to withstand the tow rope..but don’t worry once we get the duct tape and reinforce the handles.....)
Product will develop high speed under certain snow conditions
(like the conditions that allow you to tow sleds behind four-wheelers)
Product has no brakes or steering mechanism
(No sh#t Sherlock, it’s a long piece of plastic)
and excessive speed can cause loss of control and injury.
(Again another good general life rule..injury mostly to your bank account through the court and insurance systems, or your spinal fluid, depending on the type of speed)
The wearing of a safety helmet and protective goggles is strongly recommended.
(if you enjoy being the joke of the neighbourhood and want the crap beat out of you)
Always face forward.
(If you try to turn your face to your back you will only get a cramp, and realize you don’t like the look of your butt in those jeans)
Keep hands feet and head within the outer edges of the carpet while sliding.
(I’m glad they added that head part..because generally if something isn’t safe for me to put my hands or feet on, the first thing I wanna do is stick my neck out and put my face in danger..literally)
There was more, and I'm sorry that I never copied the entire warning.
(It took up half of the 3 foot carpet, and it was fine print.)
And although I originally wrote this years ago, it still puts me in good mood every time I read it, so that is why I share it with you here today.
Actually it kind of puts me in the mood to go find my dog, tie him to something plastic and make him tow me around the yard.
(Don't worry, I will, as always keep my head away from anything I wouldn't want to get my feet and hands near.)
4 years ago